SEX AND GRAVITY

by Jess Curtis with Stephanie Maher

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY

There is nothing left to say. Everything has been said. It has all been done before. There is no new idea. There are no bright and shining “new” faces. Our faces are the same as faces that came before us. The ideas I have have been had by someone else. They are old ideas. The movement make has been made before. It was made before and then copied by someone else.

You have seen everything there is to see. You have seen pictures from all seven continents. You have seen each of the several types of people. You have seen images of floods, and tornadoes and wars and earthquakes and nuclear accidents. You have seen people shoot each other. You have seen people die. You have seen children being born. You have seen people touch. You have seen seductions and rejections. You have seen people working together. People asleep. You have seen people struggling to become free. You have seen people fail. You have seen people fall down and get up. There is nothing new to be offered to you.

The way we move and the way we touch each other is the same as the way people have moved and touched each other forever. Our songs derivative of old songs. Our rhythms mimic the rhythyms of peoples that have been killed or oppressed by our grandfathers. Our steps are stolen from the dances of indigenous peoples everywhere. The images we present are not original but are recycled from the dreams of thousands of exploited workers. Our desires have been created through countlees hours of exposure to advertising.

I have nothing to say. I have no new recombination of the theatrical elements. I layer them in much the same way that my peers and my teachers layer them. There is nothing novel in their construction. There are no new forms in their formal organization. I have nothing new to offer.

BURNING BRIDGES

Under the water things get wet

if you play with fire you’re gonna get burned

Newton's apple will go no higher

All these lessons sound so simple, they're not so easy to learn.

There were burning bridges that I had to cross

Iheld on to my world and I watched it crumble

The weight of my heart spread across my face

and the change in gravity made me stumble

It was a perfect love affair

We touched each other with such care.

It’s all but over now don’t ask me how

I stitch up a dog in your dream.

You ask me questions

You smell of smoke and I still love you.

There were burning bridges that I had to cross

I held onto my world ‘til I could no longer

The weight in my heart spread through out my life

and the change in gravity made me stronger

WE TOUCH EACH OTHER

We touch each other. We press into each other. We exchange weight. We give each other space and time. We surrender our weight to gravity. We fall. We fall to the floor. We fall into each other. We fall loudly. We fall without making noise. We fall as slow as we can. We attempt to cheat gravity. It is only an illusion. Gravity is never cheated. We are never able to fall any less than any one has ever fallen. Gravity is always in charge. Gravity always wins. We occasionally fool your perception. We create the illusion of falling more slowly, of falling less. We seem lighter than we are, but it is an illusion. We are the same as you. We fall into the earth. We get up again. We resist gravity, but gravity always wins.

SOMETHING HAS BEEN LOST

Something has been lost. Something of value. Something beautiful. A sense of something. Something we trusted. Some sense of wholeness. A belief in something. A belief in beauty. A belief that after all, it would work out and we would love each other. a belief in the possibility of a happy ending.

Something has been lost. Something that was ours is no longer ours. Something used to hold us together in a way we are no longer held together. Something made us able to trust each other in a way we no longer trust each other. Something kept us from being afraid in a way that we are now afraid. Something gave us the courage to act in a way we hardly ever act now. Something is different.

there is a gash. there has been a tearing apart. there has been a dissolution. A rending of one thing into two. A parting of ways. A tearing asunder. Tender flesh has been exposed. Tissue has been damaged.

there is a sadness. there is weight. there is gravity. there is a grave silence. there is grieving. the air is thick. the mood is viscous. It is difficult to speak. It is difficult to move. It is difficult to breathe. It is like being underwater. It is as though an enormous weight were above and all around. It is as though gravity had increased.

THE UNIVERSE

The Universe is moving away from itself. It is expanding. It is moving out from the center. All of it. It is like gravity but in reverse. Everything is hurtling away from everything else at an incredible speed. It will not be like this forever but it will be billions of years before things change. It is like breathing. The universe is breathing and at the moment it is exhaling, perhaps even sneezing. There is very little to do about it, actually nothing.

We are alone in space. We are moving at the speed of light. when we arrive nothing will be the same as when we left. everything will be different. We cannot actually know each other. We have brief moments of contact in which we feel connected but they are temporary. We are hungry. We shit. Trust is both a goal and an illusion. I occasionally believe that I am able to make you understand what I understand. Usually, I do not believe that you can understand me . I speak words in an attempt to make you understand me. You use the same words differently.

I repeat myself. You are bored. You stop listening. I repeat myself. You become angry. I become defensive. We are alone in space.

I feel as though I am underwater. I have a difficult time . I feel slow. I cannot hear very well. I am unable to feel that my words are understood. I make signals but am unsure that their meaning is clear. It is necessary that I act anyway.

FREE THE BIRD IN ME

I will free the bird in me, O when I find my life

What I always knew could be, O when I find my life

I will see the truth in me, O when I find my life

O when I find my life

I will let go the pain O when I find my life

I will reach beyond the stain, O when I find my life

Fear of Loss and fear of gain, O when I find my life

O when I find my life.

I HAD HOPE

I had hope. I thought it would work out. I thought I could touch you without hurting you. I thought that if I spoke very slowly and carefully you would not be hurt by my feelings or actions. I tried to be accurate. I tried to describe my experience to you in detail. I tried to keep you up to the minute. When it seemed I might be hurting you I spoke more slowly. I questioned myself. I questioned the accuracy of my perceptions. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I tried to act without thinking too much. When it seemed clear that I was hurting you I spoke more slowly. I became silent in your presence. I searched the inside of my body for clear and tangible experiences to relate to you. I breathed. I began to feel the sensation of my own weight. I listened to you. I waited for something to happen. I experienced complete stillness and silence and it terrified me. I needed something to happen.

PERHAPS PRAYER

Perhaps certain movements, if performed in precisely the correct manner can unlock this kind of change. Perhaps a series of pitches, repeated in very exact intervals and progressions could actually re-tune our brains. Perhaps there are encoded rhythms which contain the secrets of living in harmony with the earth and ourselves. Perhaps there exists an image of such stunning beauty that if only we could all see it, it would re-structure our very DNA and allow us to evolve spontaneously to a new phase of existence. Perhaps certain combinations of touch and breathing and sounding and moving can unlock long forgotten patterns of human behavior, which will allow us to live in groups without hurting each other. Perhaps there are ways of bonding and copulating that will create children untainted by greed and hatred and jealousy. Perhaps these forms exist and are everywhere around us, hidden among the mundane and ordinary events of our lives. Perhaps we will soon be dissatisfied enough with the violence and hunger and sadness that we will not resist the change.

I HATE LOVING YOU

I hate loving you.

I hate touching you, hearing your voice.

I hate the way you are right now, in front of me.

I hate the way my lips feel when I kiss you.

I am full of self hate and hate for you loving me.

I hate it all, every bit of it.

I hate the fear that dwells in my being. I'm skinny flat and ugly.

I hate infection, holes all filled with you.

I hate how you infect my mind.

I hate losing myself.

I hate needing you.

I hate fantasizing about our child.

I hate loving you that much.

I hear you. I hate you

I see more ways than I can say about how much hate there is.

I'm salty, sick and slowly disintegrating into a pile of female mush.

I hate losing myself. I hate needing you.

I hate softening around you, who you are and who you might be.

I hate wanting to follow you when you walk out the door.

I hate wanting to hold you all the time.

I hate revealing myself over and over- trying to explain why I am becoming so emotional.

I'm hating all feelings right now, even the feelings of joy I receive when I'm with you.

I hate how your body enters mine and that's enough to fill me for days.

I hate how much I need to connect with you.

I hate how you ask me to suck on your nipples and I can't wait.

I hate sharing my artistic ideas with you- you'll steal them.

I'll have to hate all the people who say how wonderful we are together.

I hate not being seen or heard, I hate it all.

I hate my insecurities and I hate how much you love me.

I TOUCH SOFT PARTS OF YOUR MOUTH WITH MY TEETH

I touch you.

I touch you with my fingers. I touch you with my lips . I touch you with my mouth and tongue. I touch soft parts of your mouth with my teeth.

I touch you hard.

I touch you softly. I touch you in repetitive patterns. I touch you randomly. I touch you deeply. I touch you carefully. I touch you by accident.

I touch your face.

I touch your skin. I touch your lips. I touch your nose. I touch soft parts of your mouth with my teeth. I touch your butt. I touch the hair around your cunt. I touch your asshole. I touch your cunt. I touch the inside of your cunt.

I touch your nipples with my hand. I touch your face with my cock. I touch your belly with my butt. I touch your hair with my face. I touch your hip with the end of my nose. I touch soft parts of your mouth with my teeth.

I touch you when you are looking at me.

I touch your arm when you talk to someone else. I touch your backwhile you are still asleep in the morning. I touch you hard when we are home alone. I touch you very hard when you ask me to. I touch you softly when you are sad. I am sometimes afraid to touch you when you are crying but I do anyway.

I touch you through your clothes.

I touch you in my thoughts. I touch the soft skin inside your thigh. I touch your breast with my mouth while I touch myself. I touch your chest with my hand and imagine I’m able to touch your heart.

I touch soft parts of your mouth with my teeth.

SEXMAGIC

I was afraid. I was self- conscious. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to be strong. I wanted my cock to be hard. I wanted you to touch my nipples. I wanted my balls to dangle in your face. I wanted to be seen loving you. I wanted to be seen fucking you. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to make you cum. I wanted to feel your body beneath me.

I was self -conscious. I touched you. I sucked on your tits. I felt your weight pressing into me. I surrendered. I gave up my expectation. I continued to want what I wanted. I stuck my face in your cunt. I smelled the sweet delicious smell of your cunt. I felt my cock in your mouth. I squeezed your tits. I pressed into you. I rolled you over and grabbed your butt. I became aware of how we looked. I flet your weight again. I was aware of the texture of you skin. I wanted to be alone with you forever. I sucked on your tits.

I felt your skin like silk. I felt more like fucking than fighting. I felt my fingers on your cunt. I tried putting on a rubber glove. I felt unhappy trying to feel you thru the latex. I heard the sounds of other people.

I pushed you into the wall. I held you tightly. I released you and rolled over. You put my cock in your mouth. I was aware of how beautiful you were. I wanted people to watch us. I wanted everyone to think we were incredible.

I didn’t get hard when I wanted to. I didn’t feel sexy. I felt you touching me but the excitement did not penetrate my cock. I breathed into your mouth. We made sounds together. I felt your voice in my mouth. I tried to release anxiety thru my voice. I wanted to be hornier than I was. I wanted to embody Pan. I wanted a huge priapic cock. I wanted a cock made of stone. I was self-conscious.

I touched myself. I spit in my hand. I touched your tits. I rubbed my cock on your leg. I began to get hard. I felt desire well up inside me. I felt warm and alert. I felt voracious.My eyes opened wider. my breathing became more rapid. I felt the god raising up inside me. my cock felt full, then thick, then hard. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to thrust my hips. I wanted to be a long way inside you. I wanted to pound against your cunt.

I put a rubber on my cock. I spit on my hand and touched your cunt. I slid my cock inside you. I pushed slowly and pulled away. I pushed again. I repeated myself. I became single-minded in my intention. I lost track of other concerns. I focused very specifically. I thought of nothing but your cunt and my cock. I stopped thinking. I sped up. I slowed down. I was aware of the rhythm of my hips. I was aware of pressure on my cock. I was aware of my breathing. I was aware of becoming warmer. I was aware of sweating. I did not think “about” any of these things but I was aware of them.

I heard your voice. I heard sounds that you made. I felt the vibration of your voice through the bones in your back. I breathed heavily. I made sounds. I felt vibration in my chest. I slowed down. I poured more of my weight into you. I listened to your voice through my bones. I felt your heart beat thru my ribs.

We slowed down. We made softer sounds. We rolled over. We faced each other. We looked into each others eyes. We saw each other. We breathed at the same time. We tasted each others sweat. We made sounds together.

PATIENCE

It is not going to get better any time soon. There are more and more people every day, and there is less and less of the earth for them to share. That is simple. There is only a finite amount of earth and more and more people. Less earth per person. The world is scary. Bad things are happening everywhere. In the middle of the day I fall asleep but am awakened at all small noises that might be someone breaking into my house. Everyday. It is not going to get better. Less earth, more people. No magic formulas. No government program. No amount of love will change this any time soon.

I want something new to happen. I want change to be easy. I want justice to happen all on it’s own. I want every one to agree to be fair and compassionate. I want people to be generous and keep only what they need. I want us all to have a new understanding immediately. I want a large catastrophic event to cataclysmically re-order the world. I want a clean slate. I want us all to re-think our values. I want it to be simple.

WE WANT TO CATCH FIRE

We are all here for something.

We paid our money and we are waiting for something to happen. There is fire. There is music. There are people dancing. There are people sweating. People are touching each other. Some have taken off most of their clothing.

We are playing with fire. We want so badly to feel the burn. We want to see something burn. We want to know danger. We want to know the power of change. Transformation. Fire changes things. Right before your very eyes. It can change your hair. It can change your skin. It can change a whole building.

Change is always dangerous.

We are hungry. We are on fire. We burn inside. We are hungry for soul and we are looking for it in each others mouths. We try to lick the fire inside each others bodies. Bodies crash into us as we suck the fire of life and soul into each others mouths. With closed eyes our fingers grope across skin, looking for an entrance, looking for a way into each other.

We are a people that has lost something and we are looking for it late at night in dark rooms where we might catch fire. Where we might catch the world on fire. We want to catch fire. We want to catch the world on fire.