Preparing for teaching?

It feels like a cloud and a waste of my day. It is like when you want to tell someone something that is a bit difficult and you rehearse it in your head over and over, what it might be that you say to them. The words you do exchange with this person are a complete surprise and nothing you rehearsed. A wasted day.

Before, when I would prepare to teach, I would imagine what might happen. What might I offer as information or knowledge? I started using the material that I had prepared less and less. It became almost abstract, from left field..from far away. I found out this was not good for my teaching, not any more. It is still to much preparation, to much pretending to know something, to much wasteful thinking.What I know might help someone feel or experience something? bullshit

People are what they are. It is a challenge to practice this distance and this looking.

I may influence them.

We may bond for a moment.

I do not want to be on this journey anymore of thinking that I see them, feel them or really understand them, or us.

I would rather not understand.

I think that is more real.

Misunderstandings are teaching me more as a teacher.

Without wishing “if I had only done this or that”..

It is in the moment and each mistake is not really repeatable.

Even though we all know we continually repeat our failures.

I would rather live more mysteriously, experience more unknowing as a model for teaching.

More out of this reality

Less earth, more fluff

Less earth, more fluff.

More windows. opening more pictures. Unfolding more scary moments. Looking in the mirror to check if you are still there or that that tiger is not on your face.

More moments of not being aware

Now that is creative.

The old master teacher? She is in my head.

I see her show up. I saw her again in me. Limiting me.

I need this moment of recognition.

I am pathetically insecure and at the same time very very very very rare.

My vulnerability always made me a good teacher.

I show my weaknesses and what I do not know.

My ego is part of my third eye study. Here it is.

Suddenly!

The teacher has an artistic moment?

should I separate my choice making with my students? You are my student?

Like......... I am so very brave. Like........ I was going to put my fingers in my cunt in front of you, like...... Is that really necessary.Why not? What is that? Consideration? Humanity? Shame? Exhibitionism? Just a choice?

No, just how I practice. I am good at shocking, so I practice not shocking and doing it another way.

I could take all your space and more. I get angry. The angry teacher. You shit.

All the dirty words out and then? Maybe I need to go on to being dirtier......grunt......I feel watched and am getting paranoid and actually I do not trust many of you, or me in relationship to you.

Laughter laughter laugher-humor is a great teacher.

I do love to teach. I do not think I am doing it well enough, not good enough..still to serious.Still forever searching. I think I am ready to just takes trips. Trip out and you can come if you want. I want to be able to teach this.

Next invitation? Trippy teaching.

I will take center stage and woo my self to trip out.

If you do not see that as a way to teach you something. Well? It surly would be uncomfortable.

Some of my best teachers are the people I think I hate, do not like, have something negative to say about, but I do not. I control my anger and my criticism from them. I try to respect them but I want to punch them really and that keeps me up late at night..

I can be one of those for you.

And you can punch me.